A Dick in the Land of Lost Faces - Bed Burrito

Mad Mitch's Trash Laboratory Out Now!

A Dick in the Land of Lost Faces

Captain Gunter of the U.S.S. Shmenterprise now drifted into the land of lost faces. He had a thousand years of oxygen in his space suit, but nothing to eat. He conceived that he would be dead in a few earth days, but would enjoy the frictionless voyage drifting through space’s empty vastness until then. He had gotten in this way when his crew held a mutiny and shot him out of the Shmenterprise’s torpedo tubes.  His torpedoing was due to Gunter not being a very good captain. Now he was nothing, but adrift.

The latitude of lost faces was a platitude of space and rocks that would take the shape of anything it saw for all of eternity.  It was kind of like a drain for everything that got lost out in outer space. Once these rocks had their shape they could tell you anything about the person whose shape they were in. It’s kind of like the misconception some people have that they will get their lifetime’s “stats”, if you will, summarizing their actions, revealing their mysteries, and, notably, receiving closure for anything and everything from the second they were born. This, as any dead person would if they could tell you, does not happen.  What we reap is what we sow and nothing more for all of eternity, except in the land of lost faces.

So Captain Gunter drifted through these rock monuments of wayfarers and settlers in the land of lost faces. He didn’t see anyone about, but saw the great formations of who had been there. It was like a futuristic Mount Rushmore for all of existence. Behemoth rock heads of people and aliens’ likenesses, peppered throughout this platitude of distant space. Some stone heads were terrified, some were complacent, some were crying and some were laughing, but all of them did not seem to take any notice of one another. The rocks were isolated, resigned and individual unto themselves alone in the land of lost faces.

There were, however some cluster of rocks that were different and adrift just like Captain Gunter was. The clusters spiraled and floated acrobatically everywhere around the platitude, turning and revolving with the greatest of ease. The clusters danced around in a very free way that Captain Gunter found beautiful and potentially harmful if he were to collide with them.  Just one tear to his spacesuit or crack to his helmet would be fatal so he gathered paranoid wonderment as he drew closer to the clusters of clusters.

Then something wonderfully terrifying happened, like a magnet to paperclips, one of the clusters took notice of Captain Gunter and began to draw towards him. The individual asteroids in that cluster stopped moving and began to pivot toward one direction, towards the free-floating captain. Then, with what seemed like a conscious action these handful of space rocks thrust towards Gunter and he set his laser on stun. Captain Gunter’s space helmet had a standard issue laser mini gun that he could wield with his brain, telekinetically. As the rocks were closing in Captain Gunter decided they were well enough in range and he should take action.

And action he did take as he blew one space rock after another away or disintegrated it into its previous sediment. The great stone nose the Captain perched on of a Trunkarian elephant-humanoid did not seem to empathize with the good Captain, but would surely never forget the good defensive front he put up against the space rocks. However, Gunter’s efforts were all for not because as each rock got blasted, another one would take its place. The rocks swarmed, the captain panicked and soon he could not even see starlight.  A rocky tomb in darkness it seemed.

Captain now found himself inside this rocky cocoon. He thought he was surely done for now, being crushed to death in a claustro cluster of craterous rocks, but all that happened was just a bit of dust on him as the rocks grinded and fused together. For what seemed like the longest time, Gunter sat and waited for death in the rock cocoon, but then a hole started forming on one of its walls. The wall seemed to be opening and taking more of a definite shape at the same time.


“What Luck!” said Captain Gunter, and, when it was wide enough, he clawed out, back into space.

What Captain Gunter actually crawled out of though was the mouth-hole of a Giant rock-head that looked exactly like his own human head. After all the excitement of escaping, this head was a horrific sight of shock and awe. This stone head’s eyes moved, looking down over its nose at Gunter whose entire body was at least ten times smaller in size. Gunter could hear the rock heads thoughts in his own head. The rock head’s lips moved, illustrating its thoughts, even though they made no sound in the vacuum of space. The rock-head’s first words were something really odd and kind of rude.

“You’re really small” the rock head declared in an unassuming, but seemingly brash way.

“Ugh, thanks..” said Gunter who was reeling with a lot of different emotions.

“Don’t mention it, so like are you going to just float there all day or will you introduce yourself.”

“I, uh, I’m Captain Gunter, Ex-Captain of the U.S.S. Shmenterprise..”

“I’m Gunter too.”

“I can see that. So you’re my rock head, just like the many rock heads of others here?”

“I see no other, as you call it, “rock heads” here.”

“What are you talking about? They’re all around us. Look over there. There’s one of Bruce Vilanch! ”

“Hmm, nope!”

“Ok, well, from what I know of the legend of the land of lost faces you possess the omnipotence to tell me of the life I’ve lived.”

“Now that is true.”

“Ok, well”, and a single tear floated from Gunter’s eye, “Where did I go wrong?”

“For starters, you were kind of a dick..”

“Hey! That seems a bit aloof for someone with an all seeing eye”

“My eye doesn’t see all. It only sees you, and you are a dick. Deal with it.”

“I don’t know if I can accept that.”

“You don’t have to, but compared to most organisms you exhibit reoccurring tendencies of aggression, unnecessary sarcasm, moodiness, know-it-all-ism and bad temperament. Hence, you’re a dick!”

“Ok, but if you’re some personification of a rocky me then you’re a dick too-”

“Perhaps. I was born and you just met me a few minutes ago though, which makes you kind of a presumptuous dick. And I would put my money on that rather than an empirically innocent, infant rock-head”

“I’m not finished! And a dick a dick me might tell the real me that I’m a dick, but then that might be conclusive that I am a dick because you’re being a dick to me by telling me I’m a dick and you’re me so..”

“Oh, it’s all very complicated, isn’t it?” the rock-head said sarcastically.

“Shit! I think I’m a dick!” said Gunter and he got indigestion.

It was true. Captain Gunter was indeed an empirical dick throughout his life. As they sat in the rock-head’s persuasive spacey stasis, all was revealed to Gunter about just how much of a dick he had been. It began in galactic grade school, the incubator for all the earth’s dickness, where Gunter, an extremely quiet, shy kid, was teased mercilessly by his classmates. There wasn’t a great reason for the teasings, there never is, but like people being teased for being fat, or particularly nerdy, or obnoxious, or weird are kind of more general reasons for grammar school browbeating, and Gunter was none of those things to his schoolmates (or schooldicks). What Gunter’s classmates really latched on to was Gunter’s reaction to being teased, he took every petty mocking seriously, and, because his classmates knew they could get a rise out him, the teasing continued.  This hardened sweet young Gunter’s heart and would ultimately make him become the thing he hated, which was a dick.

The hardening though would prove great motivation and temperament for Gunter to rise through the ranks and become the U.S.S. Shmenterprise’s captain the rock-head would say in apathetic consolation.  However, once Gunter realized he was in a position of power, once he found that he could get away with a lot of things, once he knew that people had to take what he said or suffer consequences, all his adolescent insecurities would manifest in righteous malicious temperament. The rock-head said that Gunter was making the world pay for the hand he was dealt as a child. Gunter accepted this fully because sometimes we know when we meet our ultimate truth.

So Gunter’s selfish, butthurt, reign of terror and dickness would continue, costing the lives of some of his crew members, making poor decisions that made everyone suffer and contributing a malaise of low morale that engulfed everyone on the U.S.S. Shmenterprise. He plagued the crew with his proclivities to insult, irrational reprimands, shrewd and vitriolic conversations, and, the worst, wrath from whenever he was scorned. The rock-head found it funny that eventually the crew members launched Gunter’s crotchety ass out of one of the space torpedo tubes. Gunter thought he was a dick for laughing, but then he immediately thought that the laughing was all due to his own behavior in the first place.  It is lucky for anyone to look into the mirror and see a clown. Gunter was struck mute by this tidal wave of understanding himself, and, to escape the pain of it all, he focused on another, more bodily, pain.

“My stars, it’s all so clear now” Gunter said as his stomach grumbled, “I don’t suppose you can magic up anything for me to eat, can you?”

“I’m hungry too, he he..” said the rock-head in a manner that almost seemed coy.

“What?! Do rock heads like you eat?”

“Of course! Why do you think there aren’t any other organisms around besides us?”

“Hm, makes sense I suppose, OH SHIT!”

The rock head suddenly drove forth and tried to take a bite out of Gunter, but luckily Gunter’s foot caught his chin and he kicked off it propelling him away. As Gunter swam for his life through the frictionless abyss of space, the rock head chased him like an exhausted space Pac man. Gunter pleaded with the rock-head, trying, saying that they were of the same body, but the rock-head didn’t care and spoke of this solely being the way of the land of lost faces.

The chase continued as Gunter propelled himself from one rock-head to the misfortunate other, and his own rock-head briskly followed, smashing the others into space gravel with nary a care. This bought Gunter time to rev up his minigun laser helmet to full brutal force. He knew he would have only one shot or how many that was for a minigun shooting lasers.

With the helmet shooter on full-force, Ex-Captain Gunter had to time this right. When he landed on the next, soon-to-be smashed rock-head, he landed, pointed-toe, and did a French ballet move called a pirouette. Yes, Captain Gunter, Captain of the U.S.S. Shmenterprise studied ballet for a time to no one’s knowledge but his own.  He did the pirouette and then obliterated his rock-head with a barrage of pure laser. The rock-head cried forth, lamenting.


“I know I will” said Gunter.

The stars twinkled in the sky and so much darkness of space surrounds them as far as the eye can see.  If you listen you can’t hear anything except the rustling inside your oxygenated space suit. It feels really free up there.  I taste the oxygen of one thousand years.  Captain Gunter of the U.S.S. Shmenterprise became a spec, out there, in deep space.



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